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[ |
April 10th,
2007 @ 10:24 pm
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| [ |
music |
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"Right Where It Belongs"-- Nine Inch Nails |
] |
I keep forgetting I'm not allowed to look for any relief from this. Instead I'm a junkie and I'm a weak person for having to be medicated to not lose control. I'm suffocating on every front but maybe that's for the best. I'm not necessary to anyone.
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[ |
April 3rd,
2007 @ 3:09 am
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| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
I totally just found all the old emails from the post Sellz did in the Dressing Room that got a chunk of people banned.
.....This amuses me so. Especially as it has pretty much become Hogwarts over there.
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| Judgement not necessary, thanks. |
[ |
March 25th,
2007 @ 12:02 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"A Cross And A Girl Named Blessed"-- Evans Blue |
] |
She wears a butterfly on her wrist,
But she might as well cut it's head off.
She's holding different weapons to kill the ghost inside,
Or at least kill the thought she has of killing her mind.
She says, "I love you," with her hands.
She says, "I hate you," with her eyes.
There's a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name,
But I could never let you know how much this means.
I swear I'll end this war, cause we both know,
It wasn't worth fighting for.
I wear God's name up by my wrist,
But you might as well tear my skin off.
She's letting go convictions, to release the ghost inside.
To release all the suffering of a cross and a girl.
I sing "I love you," way too much,
So I'll say "I hate you," for tonight.
Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name,
But I could never let you know how much this means.
I swear I'll end this war, cause we both know,
It wasn't worth fighting for.
She, she said to me, "I will be driving in the wrong direction."
Did you ever think, that maybe your life,
Is heading in the wrong direction, baby?
There's a cross up on the wall,
See from the corner of your eye,
When you're down on your knees,
And she's begging please.
So go and lay back down tonight,
Because we won't know who you are,
Until you're down on your knees,
And you're begging please.
Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name,
But I could never let you know how much this means.
I swear I'll end this war, cause we both know,
It wasn't worth fighting for.
--------------
Dear you,
It's funny how quick my respect dropped for you when you decided not to come straight to me with anything you had to say, but rather decided to be oblique about it. Leave me alone.
No love,
Sue.
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[ |
March 25th,
2007 @ 9:48 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
I hate it when I'm right, but I hate it when I'm left even more.
It's history repeating itself again. Every time, same sick cycle.
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[ |
March 22nd,
2007 @ 8:39 pm
| ] |
I'm done. Fucked things up beyond belief. Everyone, run away. Please.
Friends' cut. Comment to be kept. I won't keep you otherwise.
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| i half hope he sees this but i know he never will. |
[ |
March 21st,
2007 @ 12:58 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
love is the most beautiful and terrible force in the world. |
] |
I guess my biggest fear is this
not that you are in love
and it's not with me
but that you might
change your mind
and your values for this.
if you love someone, do you never love anyone else? do you love me? or...
am I going to be alone again?
are you tossing around that word at me, trying to throw me off?
or do you actually care? i can't read you
i just want to matter to you. and I don't think I do.
"I don't know how to walk away from you."
"I don't know how to do anything but hurt you."
when you kiss me
it's like for a moment, you are all I know
i know that's not healthy
i know i don't care about my health anyway
and while your kissing someone else doesn't bother me
the ratio here is getting ridiculous
i shouldn't tell you this
which is why you'll never see it barring friends who show you.
if you love me, realize that i am so deeply, soul-suckingly in love with you that i need validation
let me know i won't end up alone without warning.
i enjoy growing closer not for the act, but the closer. but you're getting further away from me. like leaves on water. why can't we all just be one person? we'd never be alone.
except you never are. and every time I want to get away, that I think I can't take more
you call my name
and I'm there before the second syllable leaves your lips.
maybe this is silly.
i am happy for you, but does my happiness, personal happiness, mean anything to you?
kiss me. over and over and over. make my lips bruise and bleed, leave me broken and delirious.
let me wake up beside you and not have your back facing me.
hold me again. i'm more fragile than you'll ever guess right now. i try to tell you but you seem happy and do i really want to break that? call me your greedy little brother because maybe that's what i am but equal treatment is part of this, isn't it?
please don't shunt me away and let me be.
this acute love (tri)angle isn't cute at all.
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[ |
March 19th,
2007 @ 10:17 pm
| ] |
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Why?
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| For him, though he'll never, ever see it. |
[ |
March 15th,
2007 @ 10:56 pm
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Rodeo"-- Amy Ray |
] |
She comes down to Georgia to dance across my kitchen floor,
Leavin’ black marks on linoleum, a country song on the radio.
I am just a rodeo calf with tender feet and sewn on horns and
Love is a kindness that I’ve never known before,
I’ve never known before.
She says “I’m bound to Carolina to join the kids in ‘Truth or Dare’.”
And she laughs and says its just a game when I tell her that I’m scared.
I am just a dog waitin’ at the kitchen door,
And love is a kindness that I’ve never known before,
I’ve never known before.
Make it last, make it stay
Can you hold on long enough to make this pay.
She said,” My daddy was a grifter and I was in my momma’s way,
So I drifted for a while, because I could not stand to stay.”
And she said, “Love is a kindness that I’ve never understood.”
I said, “I‘ll give it to you willingly, for it's something you deserve.
It's something you deserve.”
And I’ll make it last, I’ll make it stay.
If you can hold on long enough I can make this pay.
‘Cause I am just a calf with tender feet and sewn on horns,
Love is a prize waitin’ on her at the rodeo.
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[ |
March 12th,
2007 @ 8:15 pm
| ] |
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[ |
March 12th,
2007 @ 1:43 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Shoukyo to Sakujyo"-- Miyavi |
] |
I know my nature is mostly water. I don't like rocking the boat, I prefer things clear and smoothflowing. I surround who I care about, and I like to know how they think of me. I ask them relatively constantly questions about my own nature, because I am more of a stranger to myself than they are to me. I consider you a friend only when/because I have some skill at reading the truth from these answers. So yeah, I consider you a friend.
But don't go thinking you're of any great importance to me. There's a reason for everything I do, and to secondguess that reason and pretend you even have the slightest clue what I'm thinking (hint: you don't) or feeling (hint: you never will) will only destroy you. Even the water attribute can become ice. And pushing me does no good-- it only makes me colder.
I told you from the get-go that I was on only one person's side. It's time you realized that one person is most definitely not you. Feel free to complain about frostbite.
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[ |
March 8th,
2007 @ 11:03 pm
| ] |
People just... make me want to be sick.
Violently sick.
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[ |
March 8th,
2007 @ 7:05 pm
| ] |
You didn't notice I was gone
Guess you were tying up your arm
And when I stand on my head
You never react I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
Not one fucking smile
But when it comes right down to it
I'm gonna run right back to him
I wanna be smack dab with him
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love it
Snakey goddess got my man
That kind of love don't understand him
And when I swallow my gum you never react
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
Not one fucking smile
But when it comes right down to it
I'm gonna run right back to him
I wanna be smack dab with him
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love it
Swallow hard until you I'll be the one to thrill you
I'll be the first to kill you
And if you won't die I will
When I short sheet the bed
You never react
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
I can't get you to crack
Not one fucking smile
But when it comes right down to it
I'm gonna run right back to him
I wanna be smack dab with him
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love his stoneface so
I've grown to love it
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| [to this day, I do not understand who we were.] |
[ |
March 6th,
2007 @ 1:15 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Doubleplusungood"-- Seabound |
] |
Can you tell me softly
How you always haunt me?
Can you help me? Hold me
Come to me now, slowly
You caress me smoothly
Calm my fears and soothe me
Move your hands across me
Take my worries from me
I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience
I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
Can you fill me solely
Deeper still and wholly?
With your understanding
And your arms around me?
Can you help me? Hold me
Whisper to me, softly
Move your hands across me
Take my worries from me
I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience
I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
I will sacrifice
--------------------------------
Sometimes, I'm terrified of my heart
Of it's constant hunger for whatever it is it wants
The way it stops...
...and starts.
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[ |
March 5th,
2007 @ 1:15 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Amazed"-- Poe |
] |
:/
Hnnnnn.
I keep having panic attacks. I think I need to get some help. Or maybe a few anti-anxiety meds. I haven't been sleeping well unless I'm in someone else's arms. :/
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[ |
February 23rd,
2007 @ 6:30 am
| ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Love Ridden"-- Fiona Apple |
] |
Walking to 0500 PT in the rain = fail. Nevermind the hail last night.
So... cold...
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[ |
February 22nd,
2007 @ 10:19 pm
| ] |
|
New layout. Go me!
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| Hn. |
[ |
February 21st,
2007 @ 8:24 pm
| ] |
Time to show some sharper teeth
Time to grow a thicker skin
Time to drop the seventh veil and let some madness wander in
This is not a darker age
Just the turning of the wheel
I am here to reassure we never really had control
This world was never kind so
Separate your present mind
Do one thing for me
Time to show some sharper teeth
Time to grow a thicker skin
Time to drop the seventh veil and let some madness wander in.
What is luxury today is necessity tomorrow
This is not a way of life
Your future past betrays its values
This world was never kind
Separate your present mind
Time to show some sharper teeth
Time to grow a thicker skin
Time to drop the seventh veil and let some madness wander in
This is not a darker age
Just the turning of the wheel
I am here to reassure we never really had control
This world was never kind, so
Separate your present mind.
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| It occurs to me... |
[ |
February 20th,
2007 @ 9:47 pm
| ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Indian Lover"-- Lakes |
] |
...you'll never realize what it is I do for you.
Maybe that's for the best. My silence will be enough, I guess. My jokes will hide it all.
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[ |
February 20th,
2007 @ 1:12 pm
| ] |
FUCKING ARMY.
An hour =/= decent time in which to move an 12X12 room.
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